I enter Never never, and see my guide in front of me. I ask him where we are going, and he tells me we are to go to my cottage. Cara will meet us there.
The walk seems to go quicker than normal. I wish him a happy Summer Solstice, and he reminds me that in Never never it's the Winter Solstice. I ask him why everything isn't covered in snow then, and he replies that being in the Autumn lands, it always looks like Autumn. The scenery changes as we deem it. We enter the cottage. I tell him now small it seems, and he tells me once again that it furnished my needs, and that is all a house needs to be. He tells me to ask my questions. I pause for a moment, but the first thing out of my mouth is..
..How do I make the two lives fit? I've been struggling with this for a few days. Once I get a thought in my head, it tends to stay in there until I've worked it out. He tells me there is no reason why my two lives can't co-exist. I can be Vaki, and a witch, and a mother and everything else I am. The trick is to work out what those definitions mean to me, and then make them fit.
Cara arrives and we all step outside. My guide bids me have fun and leaves. I look at Cara a little confused, and she explains we are going to a Winter party. In an impish sort of whim, I ask her if I can see a mirror. She gestures behind me. There is a mirror there. I will my clothing to change into a quite gown. I take a moment to look at myself. The black eyes are there, completely black, black long hair, and my wings. I've grown really fond of them now. Black spines, with gossamer webbing in between. Cara steps in front of the mirror and changes into an all black gown. She too has wings, but black feathered wings. She smells like carrion now. I tell her as much, and she tells me I'm close.
As we walk to the party, I asked her if I could know her name yet. She thinks on it, and the word I hear is unpronouncable. She laughs and says thats why she's stuck with Cara for me. The party is in full swing when we arrive.
I am shocked that the first person I see is the man from my past life. I feel drawn to him, and start to walk towards him. Images float by me, of how I would explain to my human husband, whom I love very much, that I have a fae lover, and what that would do to him. I stop, and tell Cara I'm not ready to meet him again. She says he knows that, and is patient.
We walk until we stop in front of a tall man. Very very tall. Silver hair, violet eyes, with a chill that seems to come from within him. I can feel frost as we walk towards him. Cara introduces me to him, and sounds play in my mind. Ja..Jar...Ja..I can't seem to get past this syllable. I ask him if his name is Jarred, as that was the first name to mind. He replies that it will do for now. I'm getting a little annoyed with that sentance, but he just laughs and gestures for me to sit down. I notice Cara has disappeared.
He tells me we used to work together. I cannot for the life of me dredge up one single memory of it. Jarred hands me a drink, and I look in the goblet to see liquid frost. That is the best I can do to describe it. It looks like frost that has been liquified. I drink it, and it doesn't hurt my throat. It tastes like a cool drink of water. I ask him why the frost doesn't hurt me. He replies that it is due to my nature. The term "seasonal fae" enters my mind. I do not know what that means, but leave it for now. I get the feeling Jarred is very similar to a Jack Frost type of being.
He then uses the term Season Fae, though I don't ask what it means. He tells me that he is setting me a task, to find a tree, and define what a Season Fae is. I get the term Ogham in mind, which he smiles at, and Cara reappears. She tells me it is time to head back, as I am not ready for the full party. Trusting her, I leave.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Never Never Trip 4
I turned up in the forest, and my guide was waiting as usual. He asked me what I wanted to do. He's never asked me that before, normally I go along with what he says we are doing or seeing. I told him I wasn't up for much, so he led me to Cara's house and left.
There were no shell shocks, no mind boggling revelations, we simply chatted. I told her about my day, she told me about hers. It was all light and easy talk. Looking back on it, I realise I was so worn out from the day I couldn't have handled anything else. So my guide and Cara did the next best thing...just be there.
I didn't stay very long, and returned to my body to sleep.
There were no shell shocks, no mind boggling revelations, we simply chatted. I told her about my day, she told me about hers. It was all light and easy talk. Looking back on it, I realise I was so worn out from the day I couldn't have handled anything else. So my guide and Cara did the next best thing...just be there.
I didn't stay very long, and returned to my body to sleep.
Two for the Price of One
How do you live two lives at the same time?
I cherish my time in Nevernever. The energy of the forests feel so alive and vibrant. The forested areas near me are alive as well, but not nearly in the same way. I cherish the time I spend as my real self.
Yet, I also cherish my time with my non-fae family. I adore my kids, I love my husband. I have close connections with my friends. Yet none of them bar one know that I am not completely human.
It is becoming exhausting trying to make the two lives fit.
How would I even begin to tell my husband about my fae soul and the Nevernever? How could I expect him to understand? I know I will have to tell him one day, as we don't do well at keeping secrets from each other.
I have noticed I can sense my wings more and more frequently. This might just be because I am aware of them now, but how long until one of my pagan friends or aware friends notices? What then? Yes, if they can see them they would believe it, obviously, but what if they decide its too much to handle?
As much as I don't want to tell them, I dislike living a double life. I want all sides of me to be accepted. Is that selfish?
Note: since writing this, I have worked up the courage to tell my husband. I needn't have worried. He took it so well, and told me he loved me no matter what or who I was. I am blessed to have him :)
I cherish my time in Nevernever. The energy of the forests feel so alive and vibrant. The forested areas near me are alive as well, but not nearly in the same way. I cherish the time I spend as my real self.
Yet, I also cherish my time with my non-fae family. I adore my kids, I love my husband. I have close connections with my friends. Yet none of them bar one know that I am not completely human.
It is becoming exhausting trying to make the two lives fit.
How would I even begin to tell my husband about my fae soul and the Nevernever? How could I expect him to understand? I know I will have to tell him one day, as we don't do well at keeping secrets from each other.
I have noticed I can sense my wings more and more frequently. This might just be because I am aware of them now, but how long until one of my pagan friends or aware friends notices? What then? Yes, if they can see them they would believe it, obviously, but what if they decide its too much to handle?
As much as I don't want to tell them, I dislike living a double life. I want all sides of me to be accepted. Is that selfish?
Note: since writing this, I have worked up the courage to tell my husband. I needn't have worried. He took it so well, and told me he loved me no matter what or who I was. I am blessed to have him :)
Housekeeping
Welcome to my journal! I intend to use this as a recording of my awakening. Maybe it will help someone, hopefully it will help me, and I'm hoping to discover others going through the same.
I suppose now that I've posted up what was in my journal, I should explain some parts of it.
First, the last few updates are the ones since I started recording my experiences. I know I probably should have been recording them from the start, but I didn't really take my awakening seriously before. Now that is impacting me daily, I'm recording and studying myself.
I chose the name Nevernever for the world I see, as I like it. That simple. It probably isn't the real name of that world, but then I don't know the real name of that world. When I find out what its really called, I start calling it that. Nevernever was the name of the fae lands in a book series I read, and I like it.
The black gel barrier in the mist covered field: I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this, but the first time I approached it, I got so freaked out that I hightailed it back to my body. Maybe it was a test? Maybe I'm just a pansy? Who knows, but I am glad I crossed it.
When I come out of meditation, I write up my experience as soon as I can get a pen. No matter how fae I am though, I am blessed/cursed with a human brain. If my posts ever seem disjointed, its probably because I wrote it how I thought it went, then remembered another piece and added it on after.
There is a dismal amount of information on the web about the Vaki. I have found out they are groups of Haltijas (finnish fae). Vaki inhabit all types of nature. There are Vaki of forests, water, mountains, etc etc.At first I thought he meant Vettir, the norse/germanic term for nature spirits. He made it very clear that's not what he meant.
So, to sum up, my currently knowledge is I am a Vaki of something. After months of meditation, that seems a rather small amount of information to have, but it is certainly better than nothing. I know I have wings, and I think I'm going through the "phantom limb" experience. I can feel them more readily after balancing my chakras in the morning, but the sensation comes and goes throughout the day. And if I have been in the Nevernever I can feel them when I return.
I suppose now that I've posted up what was in my journal, I should explain some parts of it.
First, the last few updates are the ones since I started recording my experiences. I know I probably should have been recording them from the start, but I didn't really take my awakening seriously before. Now that is impacting me daily, I'm recording and studying myself.
I chose the name Nevernever for the world I see, as I like it. That simple. It probably isn't the real name of that world, but then I don't know the real name of that world. When I find out what its really called, I start calling it that. Nevernever was the name of the fae lands in a book series I read, and I like it.
The black gel barrier in the mist covered field: I'm not sure if anyone has experienced this, but the first time I approached it, I got so freaked out that I hightailed it back to my body. Maybe it was a test? Maybe I'm just a pansy? Who knows, but I am glad I crossed it.
When I come out of meditation, I write up my experience as soon as I can get a pen. No matter how fae I am though, I am blessed/cursed with a human brain. If my posts ever seem disjointed, its probably because I wrote it how I thought it went, then remembered another piece and added it on after.
There is a dismal amount of information on the web about the Vaki. I have found out they are groups of Haltijas (finnish fae). Vaki inhabit all types of nature. There are Vaki of forests, water, mountains, etc etc.At first I thought he meant Vettir, the norse/germanic term for nature spirits. He made it very clear that's not what he meant.
So, to sum up, my currently knowledge is I am a Vaki of something. After months of meditation, that seems a rather small amount of information to have, but it is certainly better than nothing. I know I have wings, and I think I'm going through the "phantom limb" experience. I can feel them more readily after balancing my chakras in the morning, but the sensation comes and goes throughout the day. And if I have been in the Nevernever I can feel them when I return.
Never Never Trip 3
I hit the ground in Nevernever. I knew what was coming, so I changed into my true self and waited. My guide turned up, and I thought we would go to my cottage. However we went the other way on the path and walked into the forest.
As we walked, we talked about my previously won information. He told me I was on the right track in thinking forest Vaki, but more gentle. I have no idea what that means. He still won't tell me his name.
We entered the darker part of the forest, where he said a friend of mine lived. Whether because we were going to a friend, I don't know, but I wasn't afraid of the forest. We came upon a cottage, but where mine is wooden, this one was made of boulders. A female stepped out and my guide turned to hug me, then left.
She is beautiful in a plain way. She has mousey brown hair, pale skin, bright eyes (I couldn't tell the colour). Her upper jaw looks extended, like a monkey's. I asked if her name was Cara, as that is what came to mind. She said it was the closet equivalent, and it would do for now.
We went inside and sat at her table. Her cottage appears bigger than mine, as her's has room for a table and bed. I don't remember a table in mine. I asked her what part of Nevernever this was. She told me to truely think of what place on earth I would call home, and that would be the start in figuring out where I was.
I never found out what type of fae Cara is, but I could tell that she definitely was fae. My body felt weird as I drank the beverage she poured me. Cara explained it was due to me being unused to the fae body.
We talked about my human family. She was very comfortable to be around. My physical body called me, so I had to go
As we walked, we talked about my previously won information. He told me I was on the right track in thinking forest Vaki, but more gentle. I have no idea what that means. He still won't tell me his name.
We entered the darker part of the forest, where he said a friend of mine lived. Whether because we were going to a friend, I don't know, but I wasn't afraid of the forest. We came upon a cottage, but where mine is wooden, this one was made of boulders. A female stepped out and my guide turned to hug me, then left.
She is beautiful in a plain way. She has mousey brown hair, pale skin, bright eyes (I couldn't tell the colour). Her upper jaw looks extended, like a monkey's. I asked if her name was Cara, as that is what came to mind. She said it was the closet equivalent, and it would do for now.
We went inside and sat at her table. Her cottage appears bigger than mine, as her's has room for a table and bed. I don't remember a table in mine. I asked her what part of Nevernever this was. She told me to truely think of what place on earth I would call home, and that would be the start in figuring out where I was.
I never found out what type of fae Cara is, but I could tell that she definitely was fae. My body felt weird as I drank the beverage she poured me. Cara explained it was due to me being unused to the fae body.
We talked about my human family. She was very comfortable to be around. My physical body called me, so I had to go
Never Never Trip 2
I fell on the ground in the forest. I thought briefly that there has to be an easier way to get there. My guide was waiting for me. As I stood he told me to leave the human image and I did. I have no idea why, but so far every time I have gone I am naked when I turn into my true self. He advised I might need some clothes. I was confused for a moment, but an image of a silver dress came to mind, and when I looked down I saw I was wearing it. We walked into the forest.
When the trees cleared, we were at the edge of a meadow. My guide advised me this was known as the peace meadow. Councils, treaties, all manner of meetings happened here, but absolutely no bloodshed. Battles happened elsewhere. He sounded like he was stressing this point, so I paid attention.
I noticed a house at the edge of the clearing, directly across from us, near the next treeline. This was where we were heading. We went inside the house and no one was there. He told me this was my house. I made it on the edge of the forest of feeling (carebears eat your heart out I know, but thats what he called it), as I used to love running through the ecstatic energy there.
I asked him his name, and he said it wasn't time to know it yet. He also said he was not the man in the past life meditation, but that man would see me soon. We argued about the difference between the Vaki and Vettir, and he pointed out I was relying on documents written by Christian missionaries to give me the info I know already.
He told me he couldn't tell me why I became human, as only I know the reason for that choice. He said I could come to the house whenever I wanted. He also said to stop comparing my experiences with others.
He left so I could take it all in. After going over what was said, I went outside. A tree beckoned to be, and I went to it. I hugged the tree (first one to say hippy gets glamour bombed!) and a wave of euphoria went through me. The tree told me he was happy to see me, as did a number of creatures that all popped out of nowhere. I was feeling very overwhelmed.
My guide reappeared and said it was time to go. He took me back across the peace fields, through the main forest. I left.
When the trees cleared, we were at the edge of a meadow. My guide advised me this was known as the peace meadow. Councils, treaties, all manner of meetings happened here, but absolutely no bloodshed. Battles happened elsewhere. He sounded like he was stressing this point, so I paid attention.
I noticed a house at the edge of the clearing, directly across from us, near the next treeline. This was where we were heading. We went inside the house and no one was there. He told me this was my house. I made it on the edge of the forest of feeling (carebears eat your heart out I know, but thats what he called it), as I used to love running through the ecstatic energy there.
I asked him his name, and he said it wasn't time to know it yet. He also said he was not the man in the past life meditation, but that man would see me soon. We argued about the difference between the Vaki and Vettir, and he pointed out I was relying on documents written by Christian missionaries to give me the info I know already.
He told me he couldn't tell me why I became human, as only I know the reason for that choice. He said I could come to the house whenever I wanted. He also said to stop comparing my experiences with others.
He left so I could take it all in. After going over what was said, I went outside. A tree beckoned to be, and I went to it. I hugged the tree (first one to say hippy gets glamour bombed!) and a wave of euphoria went through me. The tree told me he was happy to see me, as did a number of creatures that all popped out of nowhere. I was feeling very overwhelmed.
My guide reappeared and said it was time to go. He took me back across the peace fields, through the main forest. I left.
Never Never Trip 1
I went to my inner sanctuary. I knew which door I was looking for this time, and went straight to it. Opening the door, I jumped into the mist covered field. I fell into the mist, and came across the black gel barrier. This time I didn't hesitate, I pushed my way through it. I fell into a forest. I stood up, and saw a man standing there. The man looked very much like my interpretation of a character in one of my favourite books. I asked me to follow him. I did. We came to a tent, which held a mirror inside. The man told me to let go of my human image, which I did, then looked into the mirror.
I looked like a thinner me, which the same long black hair I saw in my past life meditation. He explained that as Va...(I couldn't hear the remainder of the word) we can change our appearance on a whim, and our glamour can confuse others. I asked him to show his true self, as I knew that wasn't what he really looked like. He did. He is tall, with black hair, angular features and big blue eyes. He walked behind me, told me it was time to go, and I returned to the sanctuary. I never got his name.
When I came out of my meditation, I could feel the wings more pronounced.
I looked like a thinner me, which the same long black hair I saw in my past life meditation. He explained that as Va...(I couldn't hear the remainder of the word) we can change our appearance on a whim, and our glamour can confuse others. I asked him to show his true self, as I knew that wasn't what he really looked like. He did. He is tall, with black hair, angular features and big blue eyes. He walked behind me, told me it was time to go, and I returned to the sanctuary. I never got his name.
When I came out of my meditation, I could feel the wings more pronounced.
Chakra Meditation
Did my chakra cleanse and aura strengthening meditation. All the chakras cleansed ok, but I felt the presence of a new chakra, between the solar plexus and the heart chakra. Cleansed it, but it didn't form properly. There seems to be a piece of it missing? It was a mix of black and silver.
My aura was dark red (which is a new colour) with cracks all the way around. I wonder how long it has been like that. I sealed all the cracks and felt better, though when finished I could feel my wings more.
My aura was dark red (which is a new colour) with cracks all the way around. I wonder how long it has been like that. I sealed all the cracks and felt better, though when finished I could feel my wings more.
Past Life Meditation 1
I am in a snow covered field. A paler version of me with long black hair is searching in the snow for something. A man about a foot taller than me creeps up and kisses me. I am dressed in a flowing mauve dress with a velvet fur trimmed cloak. My mystery man is dressed similarly, though all in black. I catch a glimpse of my eyes, they are black and it looks like snowflakes are falling in them.
Notes: I do not know the man, though in the meditation he is obviously familiar enough with me to be kissing me. I can't see what it is I'm searching in the snow for.
Notes: I do not know the man, though in the meditation he is obviously familiar enough with me to be kissing me. I can't see what it is I'm searching in the snow for.
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